Suicide

The suicide of a friend, or a friend of a friend even at a distance this final and tragic act! Leaving all who it touches with a darkness that reaches into us all. We are hit with waves of confusion frustration despair at that most final of actions. It leaves us with no options or opportunity to say anything else to the one who has made that tragic choice.

Emotions explode in our hearts thoughts turn into dust and all opportunity to reach out to our friend is gone, lost like dust on the wind. We are scattered and it leaves us who are left behind to try to grasp at meaning or reason. If a note is left it just leaves us even more cruelly coopted into their tragedy and a darkness comes to dwell in our hearts.

We are stunned surprised shocked angry disappointed bereft at an act so final so brutal. We are hurt and lost grasping at trying to make any sense of the finality of that act. We wonder what we could have done if anything was to be done at all. And for those of us who’s lives have been touched by that friend who we now realize has held that dark beast hidden away from us all.

We all feel the same, thinking what could we have done how could we have helped what could we have said to that friend. Could we have been that voice, that friend who could have changed their mind. Could I have saved that person was it me who could have reached into the darkness with a light to show the way out of that dispare. We can never know or have opportunity to hold or tell that friend just how much we really loved them or needed them in our lives.

It makes us all face our own loneliness our own darkness our own tragedy, we question our own existence, our own selfishness our own cruelty, our own brutality as we search for meaning in that dreadful and final action. Cutting of any opportunity to turn around our lives. To find meaning again in the simple pleasures of our friends our family our loved ones.

Some of us cope by calling it an act of bravery others with a sense of betrayal and anger that they would leave us here to suffer. It is the cruelest of blows that reaches way beyond our ability to understand why. On the surface everything seemed fine or was it just that we were so wrapped in our own lives that we failed to see the signs.

Honestly it is the ultimate deception a lie so big so spiteful so full of hate a betrayal so devastating that it leave us wondering why. But we can never know the truth in some else’s mind or the lies they tell to hide their truth away from us all. We feel tricked especially if we are close to that friends life.

Please, please please if you are reading this and thinking of hurting yourself and those closest to you. Stop being afraid to tell us your pain your suffering let us hold you please let us try. We need you in our lives sharing our journeys for as long as and as far as we naturally can go. You make our own lives a little less painful, a little less scary, you make us feel that we are not alone.

You are never alone we are here for you no matter how shitty this life can get we all need those who love us near. Especially when we think there is no one who gets the burden we alone must carry. That burden can always be halted when we ask for help over that rocky part in our roads. Peace and love to all who’ve suffered losing a loved one. I know we’ve all lost more than one friend to that dark night of dispare!

All comments and thoughts gratefully received by the Count.

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